


Star Wars: Rouge One

by Poplitealqueen



Series: Indepth Analyses & Summaries of the Star Wars Movies [3]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Completely researched, F/M, M/M, Other, While sober as a stone I might add thank you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9091222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poplitealqueen/pseuds/Poplitealqueen
Summary: Basically a Rogue One illegal bootleg in text form. Very real and authentic. You won't need to bother seeing the movie after reading this tbh.





	

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS. You might think I'm fucking with you, but I'm not. There are legitimate spoilers that you don't want to be spoiled for. Don't do that to yourself. Go see the goddamn movie.
> 
> -Pop

NO TEXT CRAWL? ARE WE IN THE RIGHT MOVIE?!

So it starts out with Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling (or Will Graham after a sex change operation, whatever otp you prefer) becoming farmers and living decent lives until a bear shows up to kidnap Hannibal Lecter so that he can build him a giant moon that makes things go boom.  
  
Hannibal is like "Nah" and then Clarwill Starham shoots the bear, but fucks it up royally and gets killed herself.  
  
All this happens where Hannibal and Clarwill's daugher, Djinn, can see. She runs off, hides in a hole, and is found by a carpentry implement that talks in literal gasps.  
  
Fast forward some time and Djinn is in jail for some reason. She's being taken to work a detention facility, but is saved by Casanova and the equivalent of C-3po and Chewbacca having a baby.  
  
Casanova takes her to the Rebel base which actually doubled as the set of The Emperor's New Groove. There, we have some throwbacks tell Djinn how they need her to talk to the carpentry tool that saved her as a child, because he has a defecting Imperial pilot that they need. She says fine, but it's a suspicious sort of fine. She goes with Casanova and the sassy droid-wookie.  
  
They end up on the Jehda, where the defecting pilot - Brody Cook -- is currently filming a hentai tentacle porn vid. Casanova and Djinn travel around Jehda City Capital of Jehda in Jehda, Jehda in the Jehda system (Jehda) and come across a blind man named Chirp and his husband, Bruise. Chirp says a really awesome line about how the strongest stars have cores of Kyber, and then some shit happens with explosions and a crying kid (who spoiler alert we all know fucking dies an hour later anyway unless their mother was the Flash) and Djinn, Casanova, Chirp, and Bruise all get taken to the set of the hentai tentacle porn.  
  
They meet Brody Cook, who snaps out of getting mind raped by Chthulu's cousin in half a minute thanks to Casanova ' s sexy face.  
  
Djinn meets with Carpentry Tool, whose kinda nuts now and his eyes aren't green. Why weren't his eyes green? Contacts don't exist in Star Wars??? Anyway, not-canon-eye-color Carpentry Tool with the coolest design ever shows Djinn a hologram of Hannibal Lecter that Brody smuggled to him. Apparently, Hannibal is the one who built the womp-rat sized hole in the Death Star! On purpose! He explains everything and then CGI Tarkin and Bear test the Death Star out on Jehda City. Things suddenly turn into 2012. Everyone at the Hentai Porn Palace run to their ships as a wave of planetary crust rushes at them.  
  
Carpentry Tool decides that he can take on the wave of death. He doesn't. It bitch slaps him right back into animation form in Star Wars Rebels.  
  
Djinn, Casanova, Chirp, Bruise, and Brody are saved by the robot from Castle in the Sky, and they fly to a rain planet where Hannibal Lecter is.  
  
Shit happens. Hannibal dies. Chirp does an amazing Hanzo Shimada impression and wins Play of the Game. They all decide to go back to the Rebel base to tell them about the Death Star.  
  
Mothman is like "Lol sorry fam we need a yes from the entire ruling party of Rebels or something. #Democracystillkindasucksinthisuniverse" and also there's some really cool Mon Calamari designs in this scene, so enjoy them.  
  
Djinn goes ahead and does everything anyway, with a team of the dudes she just met and a bunch of nameless Rebel peeps with one freaky-ass, snake-jawed furry animal thing.  
  
They go to a planet that starts with S. Probably Salmonella. They go to Salmonella to get the Death Star plans.  
  
And nobody dies. Not a single one. They get the plans, give them to CGI Leia, and everything is totally fine. Casanova and Djinn don't get vaporized in a fucking nuke blast. Bruise doesn't have to watch his husband Chirp die. Brody doesn't die alone. Rebel pilot with the mustache didn't die. The Mon Calamari peeps didn't explode. Chewbacca and C3po's son didn't get shot to death while still being chill af. Everything was FINE.  
  
Bear died though. His cape got caught in an engine turbine. Oh, and Darth Vader had one line and it was a Dad pun.  
  
And that's the movie.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Star Wars: Rouge One [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9102235) by [the_dragongirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_dragongirl/pseuds/the_dragongirl)




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